The computer screen was lit up before me, illuminating an email filled with words that were tough to swallow, let alone read. I stared, dumbfounded and angry. How dare he. What is his problem? This is his fault, not mine. His! The words, his words, said otherwise. This reply should not have come as a shock, how else was he supposed to respond? My high school girl brain thought he would take my criticisms and take my words and learn from them, accept all the blame, and apologize. How silly of me.
I had broken up with my boyfriend about a week ago and he had asked me what had gone wrong. So I told him. And then he told me. He pointed out all of the times I had used the word “I” in the email. He pointed out how good I was at pointing fingers and shifting the blame. He wrote about how egotistical and selfish I was.
He had no right to hurt me like that. He had no right to be so right.
Even though those words have faded from my mind and are long gone, the message has stayed clear. Even today as I write papers and blogs I get anxious if I use the word “I” too many times. This post so far is already making me anxious. Am I focusing too much on myself? Are people going to notice how much I talk about myself? Am I being to egotistical again?
You see, I am really good at thinking I can do everything. Group projects were a type of torture that teachers and professors assigned so I could be slowed down. Some teammates deserved to be yelled at by the coach, they were slacking. I could do it. I could make the grade, push the extra mile. I could do that job better than that person. I could fix the relationship, if only they would listen to me. I . . . I . . . I . . .
Fortunately, when it comes to being a warrior, God never lets gives us any opening to start believing that we can do it on our own. There is never a time were God tells us how strong we are by ourselves. He takes all the “I”s away and replaces it with grace, gifts, and togetherness. I am nothing without God.
“16-17 No king succeeds with a big army alone,
no warrior wins by brute strength.
Horsepower is not the answer;
no one gets by on muscle alone.
18-19 Watch this: God’s eye is on those who respect him,
the ones who are looking for his love.
He’s ready to come to their rescue in bad times;
in lean times he keeps body and soul together.
20-22 We’re depending on God;
he’s everything we need.
What’s more, our hearts brim with joy
since we’ve taken for our own his holy name.
Love us, God, with all you’ve got—
that’s what we’re depending on.”
This is Psalm 33, taken from The Message. This is were God writes me a letter telling me to stop focusing on myself, to stop being egotistical, and to allow Him to change me into a warrior. Respecting, depending, and loving God is what we are called to do and it is what will give us our strength. That is what will give us our joy. That is what will make this faith relationship work.
Daily Prompt: Sad But True. http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/22/daily-prompt-harsh/